Lost Little Bug

Today is two weeks three days since I lost my little Bug…..

Now to start at the beginning…

On the 6th of March 2012 I felt the need to take a pregnancy test… call it inkling… My partner and I weren’t actively trying, but at the same time we weren’t doing anything to prevent pregnancy from happening either… My last menstrual cycle started on the 14th of January and therefore I had missed a period somewhere within that time… To be honest, my periods tend to come when they please, but I’ve never actually missed one. My partner being the caring man he is went out and purchased two three packs… In case the first three were faulty or something… but more likely because as I said before my periods tend to come as they please and I’ve jumped the gun on taking a pregnancy test before and he was just being a doo doo head..

So, on the 6th of March around 6.30 at night I ripped open the foil packaging on one of the 6 pee sticks and headed to the loo… As I finished up my business I watched as the pee made its way down to the first clear window- one line- so the test works… then as it made its way to the second window slowly but surely a second line appeared… At that moment I was utterly speechless… I didn’t want to get excited, not yet, at least not until I took another test.

I made my way from the toilet to the bathroom to the bedroom where my partner was tidying up and handed him the stick… ‘No way!!’ were his exact words in the excited but I can’t believe it kind of way…

We had only not been trying for less than a month, this all seemed to easy… From the moment I saw the positive pee stick I wouldn’t let myself become too excited just in case it was wrong… In fact I ended up taking seven tests in total over a week’s period before I went to see my GP to get them to confirm it with a blood test.

The first doctor’s appointment was easy. All it was was telling her I thought I was pregnant, have her laugh at me about the seven positive pregnancy tests, ask me where I would like to have baby and then sent off for blood and urine tests…

Blood Tests came back perfect- Blood type confirmed as B+ positive… I felt like that was an omen… someone from higher up telling me to let go of all the fears and stress and Be Positive… But even with that I still had some concerns…

My urine on the other hand came back with high amounts of bacteria and my Dr. wanted me to retest to make sure… Which I did and with the same results, she set me up on a course of amoxicillin to see if that helped with the infection… Which left untreated can cause pre term labor…

At eight weeks I experienced some light spotting, and it only lasted two days and only appeared in the morning… It made me panic, but was reassured by friends and the internet that this sometimes occurs and not to worry too much, only if it became like a period or severe cramping.. It was neither.

I did however mention it to my doctor at my next appointment… She, unlike my friends and the internet, was a little concerned… told me if it came back to see her immediately.

Close to two weeks passed everything was going okay, until it wasn’t… it was on a Friday night that the brown spotting appeared again and set me off into a panic… I made my partner take me to the Emergency room at the Mercy for women Hospital… It was quite a wait… they took my blood and we had to wait two hours for them to analyze it…

The results came back that the hormone levels weren’t high enough for someone who was meant to be close to ten weeks pregnant… This meant one of two things… 1. I wasn’t as far along as I thought and someone got the dates muddled up. Or 2. The baby had died.

My heart sunk immediately… Although trying to stay positive…

We were given an appointment for an ultrasound, but had to wait a whole day before their technician was in.

On the day of the ultrasound I immediately thought the worst case scenario, but as soon as she placed the ultrasound machine thing on my belly there was a heartbeat, and it was strong 130 bpm. My face and my partners face couldn’t stop smiling… there was our little bug on the screen measuring at 12mm with a perfect heartbeat. The technician printed off a photo and handed it to my partner. Our baby’s first photo.

The doctor proceeded to tell us that everything looked fine and that we should only return if the bleeding got worse or if cramping became unbearable…

We were so happy that the news was good news, which is all we really needed, but on top of that we had a photo. Our baby was perfect.

Unfortunately a week later the bleeding became red, not period-like, but not what it had been… I made a doctor’s appointment that day with my GP and asked my Partner to come home from work early… I knew there was something wrong… After visiting the toilet that morning, I sat on the edge of the bed crying until my partner walked through the door.

Then we headed to the doctors. She informed me that the information that the hospital had given me conflicted with my initial blood test results… I should have been 11 weeks and my hormone levels weren’t reflecting that… She then went on to check my cervix which was closed and there wasn’t a lot of blood… she sat me down and told me that with what im presenting her with indicates a missed pregnancy, and that she would like to send me off to get an ultrasound right away… that moment I teared up. She said we should stay positive that it might not be the case, but to prepare ourselves if it is…

The ultrasound showed no heart beat… at that moment, when the doctor at the ultrasound clinic told us, I felt like the world had ended, everything had slipped away, I had failed at protecting my baby…

We made our way back to my GP where I couldn’t control my tears and broke down; the reception staff were nice enough to give me kind words of support and sympathy…

My doctor told me my pregnancy had become non-viable… meaning for some reason the baby’s heart had stopped beating and gave me several options as to how I would like to deal with it… Naturally; wait until I miscarry naturally. With the help of Medication; to soften the cervix and miscarry naturally. Or A Curette; a surgical procedure to remove the fetus.

I chose the Curette… By this stage I needed to have everything over and done with… It hurt so badly, and to be carrying around my baby knowing that there was no heartbeat made me feel… words cannot express how I felt… My heat was broken… I had failed myself, my partner and our baby… our baby…

The doctor at the Mercy was able to book me in for the Curette on the Wednesday…

To get a perspective of the time line… I visited my GP on the Monday same day we found out our baby had died. We went to the Mercy on the Tuesday to talk to the doctors there and talk about the options and decide and sign the consent forms. At first she wasn’t able to get an appointment because the Day Surgery clinic staff were in a meeting… then was told that the only appointments available for the wednesday were left open for emergencies… and I was told Thursday might be an option if not I would have to wait until the following Tuesday because of the Easter long weekend…

At that stage my mind was elsewhere and whenever whatever was really the only answer I had…

The doctor from the Mercy called me later that day saying she was able to get me in on the Wednesday… Although emotionally I was a wreck, I felt some relief knowing that I could get this all over and done with.

Wednesday came; I had to be at the Mercy at 6.30 am… I was up at 3am… I couldn’t sleep… I was about to do one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.

I was feeling empty… Mentally and Physically…

After being admitted, I was given two pills to place in my vagina to soften my cervix… this is to avoid any damage that can occur… And even though I was first on the list, I had to wait a couple of hours to let the medication work…

During that time I met the Doctor and the antitheist who would be performing the surgery. Both were nice and both were two people I wish I didn’t ever have to meet.

As I scooted myself onto the operating table I started to cry, it was at this moment I finally understood what was about to happen.. and even though I knew this was the best option for me, I started to feel like I had given up on my baby..

I woke up in recovery to someone calling my name, at first I had no idea where I was or what had just happened.. I was dreaming… The first thing I told the nurse in recovery was ‘ I was dreaming..’

‘Oh that sometimes happens’, she said..

‘No one would take me to the Easter Ball’

‘That’s not very nice’ was her reply….

I was oblivious, away with the fairies… but that didn’t last long… Soon I was able to realize where I was and what had just happened…. and the tears began again.. the nurse asked me if I was in pain.. I was a little.. my back was aching and my belly was cramping.. but that wasn’t what caused the tears… I told the nurse ‘I’m just Sad’

I was sad, I still am Sad…

I lost my little Bug..

And even though I know that this wasn’t a healthy pregnancy, that there was nothing I could have done to prevent it, it doesn’t take away from the fact that we loved our baby.. Still love our baby… And we always will.